I wrestled with the Holy Spirit…. and He won.

The last few weeks have been pretty difficult. It started with a busy schedule. Then I found myself running on empty. I couldn’t quiet myself long enough to spend meaningful time with the Lord. I started to break. Then we had a round of sicknesses, stitches, and more busy schedules. I was encountered with some of my own failures, the failures of my children and failures in the ministry. All of these felt insurmountable at the time of awareness. I went into a downward spiral of self pity, anger, depression and hopelessness.

I know we have all been there. I’m happy to say that I’m not there now. I am in a much better place. I wish I could say that I read some book, listened to some sermon or followed some plan that worked me out of my funk. That’s not exactly how it happened.

I went to bed one night feeling sorry for myself and I had a little wrestle with the Holy Spirit. It was if I heard God’s audible voice say, “No, you can’t keep it all together. In fact, you can’t do anything.  You need me for absolutely everything.”

The fighting stopped. The crying stopped. The self- pity stopped. I surrendered.

Instead of self pity, I woke up with a renewed reminder of my need for God and a repentant heart for walking in my own strength. I woke up with HOPE…. because God is the one holding the world together. That’s not my job.

I need God to sustain us in ministry, in our marriage and in our family. I need God to grow me, change me, give me wisdom and strength. I need him for every breath I take. If things don’t work out they way I hope, it’s ok. GOD IS STILL IN CHARGE. He is the one holding things together, not me.

I’m ok with that. I’m resting in that. I have a renewed sense of joy and peace because of that. I fail. Praise God! Everything doesn’t depend on me.

One thought on “I wrestled with the Holy Spirit…. and He won.

  1. Thanks for sharing, and for the reminder…so easy to quote Philippians 4:13, but sometimes we just need to remember it worded slightly different, such as you wrote, “No, you can’t keep it all together. In fact, you can’t do anything. You need me for absolutely everything.” Thanks Jerilyn for that reminder and for sharing your heart. Love and continuing to pray for the Whites!

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